Denizens of the Metro
Posted by Alex Jordan on
A quick rundown of the behavior on the DC Metro that drives me out of my Goddamn mind.
- The Door Guardians: Appearing in either ones or twos, these individuals wish to maintain their spot in a Metro train right next to the train's doors. In the older trains with partitions bracketing the doors, look for the Door Guardians to be leaning with their backs on the partitions. Sure, one or two Door Guardians slow the trickle of embarking or disembarking passengers to a single-file shuffle, but don't you understand that they're getting off in, like, only six stops??? Slowly squeezing by them and causing passengers to bunch up is a small price to pay for their convenience.
- The Roller Backpackers: These have actually declined in the past months, after a fever pitch of Roller Backpack usage in 2008 and early 2009. Maybe their users realized that turning yourself from a small, mobile pedestrian into a 5-foot long moving obstacle was pretty obnoxious during rush hour. Bonus points: Roller Backpackers should move diagonally, so that their body can get in the way of one group of people while their backpack gets in the way of another group of people.
- The Slow Smartrip Exiters: I'm a tad confused by individuals who are savvy enough to trade in paper farecards for electronic Smartrip cards, but dumb enough to not use them to speed through the turnstyles. No, you don't need to wait for the turnstyle to close again before swiping your Smartrip. Don't you notice all these people breezing by you without waiting? You're actually making yourself slower than a paper farecard user, which I didn't think was possible.
- Escalefters: Move to the right, jackass! I'm trying to make my train!
- Tourists: See above.
- Pole Leaners: Seats are a rare commodity on a Metro train during rush hour. If they're all taken, the next best thing is holding onto the vertical poles. But none of us can do that if you're leaning your entire body on the pole instead of just holding onto it! That pole can support many outstretched arms and grasping hands... it isn't there just so you can feel something between your butt cheeks while you lean.
- The Kamikazi Fat Guy: The best possible note to end on. It's rush hour, and you've just made it onto an impossibly packed train. You're practically standing in the doorway, with only an inch of clearance, waiting for the doors to close and nearly pinch your neck hair off. No more room, right? Wrong! Enter: The Kamizaki Fat Guy. You catch a glimpse of him coming over your shoulder, as the "Doors closing!" voice chimes. He's rushing to make the train, having broken out into a full-speed waddle. Moobs atwitter, he lunches into the still-open door, using his considerable bulk to ram you, and everyone else, deeper into the train, giving himself just enough room as the doors close. Meanwhile, you - now molded into his body for the duration of this hellish trip - can now legally claim yourself as a dependent on your taxes, should you survive the journey.
I love the Metro.