ApathyWorks

Random Musings. Very Random.

Posted by Alex Jordan on

We got thunder snow on Wednesday night. Thunder. Snow. A rare-ish meteorological occurrence that spells the unholy combination of airborne fire and airborne ice. And what do we get for all that? Three bloody inches of snow, and I guess an early dismissal from work. I was kind of hoping "fire + ice" in natural phenomena would be like "crossing the streams" or something, but apparently not. I just want a snow day, ok?!

In other news, a lady was basically humping my leg on the Metro today. I managed to snag an aisle seat, pretty much the last available seat on the train. But since everyone up to and including me had found a seat, that meant the aisles were clear for people to stand near the very convenient holding bars. Y'know, the ones not near the seats.

So imagine my surprise when a woman chooses my seat to not only stand next to, but to dangle her purse and pelvis over. One hand gripping the seat in front of me, one hand gripping the back of my seat, standing perpendicular to me as if my thigh were a surfboard to ride. It turned into one of those awkward things where I am so completely determined to just play my Goddamn Angry Birds that I will not show this crazy leg-humping/surfing lady that she is freaking me out, although she is RIGHT GODDAMN THERE, HOVERING OVER ME LIKE SOME KIND OF ALIEN PROBE and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL? IS THAT PICKLES? AT 9AM?

WHY?

On a different note, if you tell me in all seriousness that you're not going to get a flu vaccine because of nebulous, unfounded concerns over the "stuff" that's in a vaccine, because God will protect you from the flu, and then you get the flu anyways and become viciously ill... does that mean that (a) God doesn't exist, (b) God's trying to teach you a lesson, or, my personal favorite, (c) God doesn't care what you think?

Please understand how I get confused when people who live in a world governed by God's laws and rules start arbitrarily drawing the line when scientists come up with ways to use those rules so that I don't have to listen to you barf into a wastebasket.

Finally, I think a certain class of people - particularly the lazy and the obese - are excellent mathematicians. It's true! I've decided this is true because of how expert they are at moving sharply towards their destination at an incredibly slow pace, nevermind the fact that they're either holding up people behind them or obstructing the paths of people in front of them. There is a mathematically perfect route to their destination that requires the smallest amount of speed and effort, and they don't care who they have to annoy to follow it.

Sure, it's not like sidewalks and Metro platforms have lanes with painted lines, but human traffic generally follows the same rules as American traffic: you're on the right, oncoming traffic is on the left. Pass slow people in your own lane on their left, then re-merge with traffic. Got it? Good. However, the fat, lazy mathematical geniuses don't follow these rules! They are adhering to algorithms and elliptical orbits that make mere human decency pale in comparison! Not following me? Their formula goes like this: a young, skinny, healthy train leaves from Alexandria at 9AM, walking briskly at 10mph, heading for Washington DC. A corpulent, glacial-paced train leaves from Arlington at 9:15AM, waddling at all of 2mph, also headed for Washington DC. The skinny train follows human traffic and is courteous to people, whereas the jowly train will run you right the fuck over if need be.

Q: How long will it take the slower, more obnoxious train to reach DC, presuming that they ignore typical pedestrian walking patterns and run over everyone in their path to get to their destination?

Q: How long will it take the faster, much handsomer train to catch up to the one that's pissing me off, and then have to go around them at a brisk pace at the one junction where the pain-in-the-ass train has stopped annoying oncoming traffic and has started annoying me?

Q: How likely is it that the faster train will fume about this without saying anything, because of politeness and because of society, and will instead write a passive-aggressive blog post about it later?